I have to conform to the WORLD. Let alone my partner’s expectations.
I have to actively learn how to talk and converse. From pillow talk with the hunny to thanking the cashier at the store, I cannot do as I would naturally but must learn to force myself to do as an NT would. I must learn to force myself to even be aware of my tone of voice and volume, something that does not come naturally to me.
I must force myself to meet someone’s gaze and to not flit my eyes about the room at every distraction.
I must force myself to sit still when my body and brain desperately wish to move, move, move.
I must force myself learn about fashion and put on cloths that match “properly” when really I do not care and I find it exhausting to do so. Just so that I can be taken seriously by all and so that my partner does not find me an embarrassment.
I must constantly fight my natural impulse to blurt out what I am thinking or feelings.
I must be properly apologetic, humble and deferential when the NTs in my life tell me that I am an unworthy embarrassment and source of frustration to them for showing the symptoms of a dis-functioning brain.
I must spend each day being compared to other people’s wives who are smarter, prettier, better, more organized, more together, better at socializing etc
I must be properly apologetic, humble and deferential when the NTs in my life tell me that my views, perspective and feelings on a matter are false due to my dis-functioning brain.
I must go to bed when am not tired. I must eat when I am not hungry. I must play when I am tired. I must work when I am exhausted. I must smile and listen when I am overwhelmed. Because I must conform to a “proper” schedule.
I must lock myself into the bathroom to quietly weep or to masturbate because my own feelings and desires are not “proper”
I must go to events and socialize with people when I am ridden with anxiety. Afterwards, I must sit quietly and allow myself to be berated for making social faux paus at the event.
I must cut the grass when I would rather fill it with gravel and be done with it.
I must water the plants when I would rather not have any to care for.
I must vacuum the carpet when I would rather have flooring as it is is easier for my ADHD brain to sweep.
I must wash dishes when I would rather eat off paper plates that can be composted.
I must dust knick knacks that I would not have brought into the house myself, as it is only one more chore to me.
I must put aside my hobbies and interests for “quality time” that usually only ends in being told what a terrible disappointment I am or a lecture on how I am not properly listening.
I must express gratitude to you for treating me like and idiot child.
I must accept that you will be angry at me for having a brain that does not work.
I must often apologize for being a broken doll.
I must often agree that I am lucky to have you, as I am unworthy of you.
